So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
