So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
