When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
