Soap is not a condiment
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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