How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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