i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
