Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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