Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
