uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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