She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
