By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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