I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
