I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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