You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
