Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
