How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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