Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
