How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
