I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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