I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
