I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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