I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
