she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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