The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
