K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
