eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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