isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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