his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
