Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
