New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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