Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
