in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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