Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
