she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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