my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
