Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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