We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
