You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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