im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
