It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
