I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
