You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
