i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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