A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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