just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
