there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
