hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
