yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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