he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
