pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
His nipple licking is glorious
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