I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You are a genius and a whore.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
