wanna go halves on a baby?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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